relieved...

*SIGH* so after 45 minutes last night of listening to him tell me what a horrible mother I am, how if I cared about them I would do what he says, how he is not going to share them with me anymore, how I need to take care of the things he says, call me every name he did when we were married (except my birth name), brought up every mistake I've made in the past 15 years, and said any degrading thing he could possible think. threatening to not bring the boys back to me...


FOR 45 MINUTES!

While I was at his mercy to listen to him because I wanted the boys back today.

The exchange went the same as always, I stand about 30 feet away from his car and they get out and run to me. No words exchanged between the two of us. That's the best. It's very sad. I wish we could be friends

TODAY me, the boys, grandma, and uncle chris, went to the Natural History Museum, California Science Center, and Spider Pavillion. quiznos and taco bell. Plus we had space strawberries and space ice cream!!!! LOL

lemmie tell ya bout spider pavillion. spider pavillion is the size of a one bedroom apt, all net tent with flowers, bushes and a lemon tree. these spiders, some of them 6-8 inches long, from end of leg to end of leg, all sorts of beautiful colors! lol how do you measure a spider??

anyways, you walk into the gigantic net tent amongst the spiders!! they are all around you. my 20 year old brother, walked in and walked out!! LMAO it was hilarious, till i called him a chicken, then he got back in there. lol he kept saying, this is freakin me out. 20 years old. my boys, 8 and 9, were happily running around the tent telling grandma, behind you!! lololololol i took some pics, gotta be edited, i'll post a few if they're good! so fun. spider pavilion!! Lol

So yeah, had an AWESOME DAY TODAY!!!

I knew that deep down last night he was just fucking with me. I wish I would of trusted my instincts, trusted God and not got so upset. But, he didn't see me cry. This is just another lesson to remember for the next time. I got a little bit stronger today.

Oh yeah, I also woke up at 4am and couldn't sleep! I've been up since 4am. I prolly won't make it to desperate housewives. Lol
--> --> --> --> --> -->
Oh, also, I watched don juan demarco, the worlds greatest lover, again this morning. Lol

Lmao.

THANK GOD!

that’s what i thought....lol

So after the event of the previous blog, plus some actual yelling (no kicking or throwing anything this time, lol, I'm getting better lol), I looked around my small but happy apartment, every single square inch of this place is evidence of those two boys.



Framed artwork, school projects, who knows how many print pictures, framed and albumed and loose, toys, 5000 digital pictures, it hardly seems an adult resides here at all. Last night I spent 3 hours scanning their amazing artwork into the computer. Stay tuned for some wonderful child artwork home movies!



I think, 'this shit doesn't really matter right now. Those boys know who supports them. They know I support them no matter what. They know I love them, NO MATTER WHAT! I had just finished reminding each of them before his crap earlier.


Soon, This will all seem like a brief moment in time. The past four years, filled with the same bullshit, already seems like a brief moment in time.


Those boys want to be in my life. They definitely know the actions of their father. (reminder: September 18, 2007 – Tuesday blog) I know who is important here and they know it too. The TRUTH is the only thing that applies.

I go take a hot, candle lit, shower, my tears still running, my breath still gone, my body shivering from hurt and anger, my head still spinning.


Standing there, massaging my new favorite shampoo into my scalp, (seriously you should try sunsilk anit flat in the bright yellow bottle best freakin shampoo ever, only costs around four bucks lol) i think to myself, 'I still think he's going to bring them tomorrow after all his bullshitting hot air.'


I fully intend to be there, no matter what. That's how it is with your children. At least, that's how I feel.

'I hope that mother fucker enjoys his weekend full of cooking, cleaning and mediating arguments. Enjoy your control now, while it's a lot of work, cause I know, when the work is over, and they are all grown, they will want their mother. Yeah, enjoy the fucking work, asshole. It doesn't matter, I will still move forward.'

The phone rings. It says, 'the boys'. Time is: 9:28pm.


My instincts were correct. He fully intends to bring them after all that threatening bullshit. I mean, come on, after doing so for a year and a half, you're gonna quit cause you, 'don't have court orders?', I think.

I take a deep breath and answer.


'I'm going to bring the boys to Montclair
in the morning', he says.

'thank you, I really appr---', I try to say

BUT BUT', he saids, 'you have to get those court orders'

'I will file a bar complaint against that attorney too' I say.

'AND you are responsible to pay half of the medical costs.', he says.

'that's fine, send me the bills and I will pay half'


he tries to convince me that the hospital does not send bills. I tell him, if there is no bill, there is no payment due.'

'don't make me change my mind', he says.


I did not say this, i only thought it: Are you fucking me??? He's gonna fucking threaten me with changing his mind? FUCK THAT. NO WAY DICKHEAD. Guess what, you just lost your control. don't make him change his mind? whoa, let's back up, bitch, it's not YOUR choice. Watch this.


i spat out, 'Go ahead, change your mind, I'm looking forward to going to court next week. I wanna hear you tell the judge your not gonna follow orders that you have been following for a year and a half cause you don't have court orders on paper. I wanna hear you say that. I can't wait to go to court.'



He repeats that I need to pay half the medical bills.


Douglas, if there are no bills, there is no bill to be paid. You don't pay a bill without a receipt, neither do I. nobody in the world pays a bill without receipt or statement. Now, I will be in Montclair in the morning, no matter what, as far as these issues, you email me, we obviously cannot discuss these issues like adults. Put it in email. I will be in Montclair in the morning. Thank you, goodbye.'

I hung up. sucess is ours! once again!


Phhewww. That was kind rough. The goal is, though, to remain assertive no matter what. That means remain calm under any and all circumstances. Including when I am alone. I didn't do that, earlier, when this all started. I screamed. (sorry neighbors) but it's so fucking difficult. i did, however, remain calm in his face. which is the most important. he will never see me lose control again.


Why why why do I hafta go through this. Sometimes i think I did something wrong in my life to deserve this, but don't know what. no way. there's a real reason.

But I know that, going through this only makes me stronger. I also know the reason I'm going through this is to gain understanding to help others who have the same difficulties. I will not give up. Call it my stubbornness, I don't know, but my boys see my inner strength against this demon and they learn from it. They know they better never treat the mother of my grandchildren like this or I will spank their asses, no matter what.

So, listen up, Brittney (and all that apply), get your shit together, stand tall and go back there! Find your inner strength, be patient and don't give up.

Now, I gotta get up early to go get my boys. : ) NIGHT!

mmmmm, i am don juan demarco, the worlds greatest lover!

lol

peace. stay safe.

i can breathe now.

mother fucking piece of shit

October 13, 2007 - Saturday



So, Im gonna fucking kill him. After a mother fucking year and a half, he's trying to REFUSE to give me our kids.

FUCKOWIHGFASDKJGHPUIQER WRHYNFVUQIOW4YFTHWRYTH UDGSD;KJFHG

I'm so fucking pissed off right now and it's prolly the first time I wanted to be drunk in this entire three dfakolfsj[oigfmuaoitegnv 3oia

years.

His mother fucking higher than thou condescindnig tone I'm gonna shove right up his mother fucking ass.

Doesn't he know not to fuck with a mother.

Arg eanvahtsiyeq thpiuq5r aioew'j35VTYTRHKLCW AV5HY3TR28IO3M QEGWCQ0' 3ealkmrsz ;vb9[ 24oh53"RW

and for tomorrow, there is nothing I can er09ri4ujr2t973g5vuukfhgi;ultaesr'h8jogiyto6v7io9
do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so fucking pissed off I could eat concrete.

Excuse me while I get a new keyboard.

Oh I wanna hurt him.

God, please give me strength. I HATE HIM! WHY DOES HE ALWAYS HAFTA FUCK WITH ME? I'VE PUT UP WITH SO MUCH SHIT FROM THIS MOTHERFUCKER. I WISH HE'D DISAPPEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN'T EVEN BREATHE

listening to his dumb ass trying to reason why after a year and a half he feels he can just quit doing what the judge told him because he doesnt have mother fucking papers!!!!!!!!!!

can't wait to see him explain that one in court!

if he does not bring them tomorrow, i will be in court NEXT MOTHER FUCKING WEEK ASSHOLE PIECE OF FUCKING FUCK SHIT DICK HEAD DICK PRICK SON OF A MOTHER FUCKING BITCH, DOUGLAS PERRY DONOVAN, YOU FUCKING HEAR ME, I WILL EAT YOU FOR BREAKFAST WITH THE FUCKING VULTURES
FUKCING COCKSUCKER ALWAYS TAKIN IT UP THE ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

GOD HELP ME.

court next week would absolutly be perfect, actually. then i could get them for thier ENTIRE winter break. you watch you fucking asshole. look out. here i come. you can't wipe me out of our children's lives!

so cold. sick to my stomach. i gotta find out where the police station is for tomorrow morning. i hate him. i wish i didn't but how can i not? i dont know


k, got the police department number, papers in order.

i'm gonna go take a hot shower and try to relax, so cold.

then im gonna fall asleep to my 'new' old johnny depp movie (THANK YOU, LISETTE!) where he keeps saying in his so sexy spanish accent, 'i am don juan demarco, the worlds greatest lover' ohhhhhh that's all i have heard in the movie, everything else melts away, ahhhhh feeling warmer. lol phheww glad those horrible feelings up there are over. only took 30 minutes.

he's still a fucking dick. what did i do to deserve his bullshit?

update-he still hates me. good.

so, it's been a while, and like it's said, 'no news is good news' well, not all good, of course. situations with asshole remains the same bitter and abusive exchanges.

since, August 06, the boys have been coming over to MY house to spend weekends. we have had amazing times. we've been everywhere. my house is filled with their beautiful artwork. for mothers day, my then 7 year old wrote this poem that said, 'my mom takes me where i want to go'

that is awesome. we do go so so many places, as proved by my 6000 digital pictures.

it's obvious to me and those who know me that these children are my life. they are the reason i choose not to kill myself.

my biggest lesson, PATIENCE. it's been 4 1/2 years since i walked out on that abusive fuck head and i pray for peace. he hates me. he will only communicate with me if he has the opportunity to abuse me.

a few weeks ago, i had to discuss a meeting place with him and he knew he had the opportunity to abuse me. he went on and on for 45 minutes about what a shitty person/mother i was. how i didn't care bout these boys. how he wanted court orders in his hands, after a year of doing this exhange, or he was not bringing the boys tomorrow.

i was livid. what can i do? i don't have court papers, i can't make a lawyer do them, i had already filed a bar complaint against one attorney who didn't do them. i don't fucking know. but after following the court orders for a year, i told him, you want to go into court and tell the judge you're no longer doing what he told you to do because you don't have papers?

fine. i can't wait to hear that, fine, don't bring them, i will see you in court next week.

45 minutes later he called me back saying he was going to bring them BUT BUT....with his fucking conditions. yeah sure, i said. and he said, 'don't make me change my mind.'

DON'T MAKE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND? i repeated his sentence in my head. fuck that, i thought. hahaha i'm in control now, bastard.

'fine, don't bring them, i wanna hear you tell the judge you're not going to bring them after a year and a half of following the orders cause you don't have papers. you do what you wanna do, i'll do what i hafta do, i will be there in the morning, no matter what, thank you, good bye.'

he brought them.

i'm gonna start using this blog to talk about the sickening shit he tells our children from now on. here's one for starters: they are not allowed to refer to me as mommy in his house. they will get in trouble. they must use my full name and call his girlfriend mommy.

fucking bastard. poor kids. i told them to not defend me, i know the truth, they know the truth. just keep the peace with this asshole. it'll all work out, with PATIENCE.