that’s what i thought....lol

So after the event of the previous blog, plus some actual yelling (no kicking or throwing anything this time, lol, I'm getting better lol), I looked around my small but happy apartment, every single square inch of this place is evidence of those two boys.



Framed artwork, school projects, who knows how many print pictures, framed and albumed and loose, toys, 5000 digital pictures, it hardly seems an adult resides here at all. Last night I spent 3 hours scanning their amazing artwork into the computer. Stay tuned for some wonderful child artwork home movies!



I think, 'this shit doesn't really matter right now. Those boys know who supports them. They know I support them no matter what. They know I love them, NO MATTER WHAT! I had just finished reminding each of them before his crap earlier.


Soon, This will all seem like a brief moment in time. The past four years, filled with the same bullshit, already seems like a brief moment in time.


Those boys want to be in my life. They definitely know the actions of their father. (reminder: September 18, 2007 – Tuesday blog) I know who is important here and they know it too. The TRUTH is the only thing that applies.

I go take a hot, candle lit, shower, my tears still running, my breath still gone, my body shivering from hurt and anger, my head still spinning.


Standing there, massaging my new favorite shampoo into my scalp, (seriously you should try sunsilk anit flat in the bright yellow bottle best freakin shampoo ever, only costs around four bucks lol) i think to myself, 'I still think he's going to bring them tomorrow after all his bullshitting hot air.'


I fully intend to be there, no matter what. That's how it is with your children. At least, that's how I feel.

'I hope that mother fucker enjoys his weekend full of cooking, cleaning and mediating arguments. Enjoy your control now, while it's a lot of work, cause I know, when the work is over, and they are all grown, they will want their mother. Yeah, enjoy the fucking work, asshole. It doesn't matter, I will still move forward.'

The phone rings. It says, 'the boys'. Time is: 9:28pm.


My instincts were correct. He fully intends to bring them after all that threatening bullshit. I mean, come on, after doing so for a year and a half, you're gonna quit cause you, 'don't have court orders?', I think.

I take a deep breath and answer.


'I'm going to bring the boys to Montclair
in the morning', he says.

'thank you, I really appr---', I try to say

BUT BUT', he saids, 'you have to get those court orders'

'I will file a bar complaint against that attorney too' I say.

'AND you are responsible to pay half of the medical costs.', he says.

'that's fine, send me the bills and I will pay half'


he tries to convince me that the hospital does not send bills. I tell him, if there is no bill, there is no payment due.'

'don't make me change my mind', he says.


I did not say this, i only thought it: Are you fucking me??? He's gonna fucking threaten me with changing his mind? FUCK THAT. NO WAY DICKHEAD. Guess what, you just lost your control. don't make him change his mind? whoa, let's back up, bitch, it's not YOUR choice. Watch this.


i spat out, 'Go ahead, change your mind, I'm looking forward to going to court next week. I wanna hear you tell the judge your not gonna follow orders that you have been following for a year and a half cause you don't have court orders on paper. I wanna hear you say that. I can't wait to go to court.'



He repeats that I need to pay half the medical bills.


Douglas, if there are no bills, there is no bill to be paid. You don't pay a bill without a receipt, neither do I. nobody in the world pays a bill without receipt or statement. Now, I will be in Montclair in the morning, no matter what, as far as these issues, you email me, we obviously cannot discuss these issues like adults. Put it in email. I will be in Montclair in the morning. Thank you, goodbye.'

I hung up. sucess is ours! once again!


Phhewww. That was kind rough. The goal is, though, to remain assertive no matter what. That means remain calm under any and all circumstances. Including when I am alone. I didn't do that, earlier, when this all started. I screamed. (sorry neighbors) but it's so fucking difficult. i did, however, remain calm in his face. which is the most important. he will never see me lose control again.


Why why why do I hafta go through this. Sometimes i think I did something wrong in my life to deserve this, but don't know what. no way. there's a real reason.

But I know that, going through this only makes me stronger. I also know the reason I'm going through this is to gain understanding to help others who have the same difficulties. I will not give up. Call it my stubbornness, I don't know, but my boys see my inner strength against this demon and they learn from it. They know they better never treat the mother of my grandchildren like this or I will spank their asses, no matter what.

So, listen up, Brittney (and all that apply), get your shit together, stand tall and go back there! Find your inner strength, be patient and don't give up.

Now, I gotta get up early to go get my boys. : ) NIGHT!

mmmmm, i am don juan demarco, the worlds greatest lover!

lol

peace. stay safe.

i can breathe now.