again....

well, after months of sharing the boys without too many dramas...lol...

oh wait, i got a new car..when i went to pick up the boys...the asshole...parked behind me and was taking pictures of us!!! can you believe that shit!?!?! i think he thinks i was driving without a license? wtf would i do that for, especially in front of him. he's fucking deluded. that was hmmmm...about 3 weeks ago....

and today, suppossed to have the boys and last night he tells me he's not bringing them cause they are sick! yeah right, well, maybe a little but FUCKING ASSHOLE, I AM THERE MOTHER, I WOULD TAKE BETTER CARE OF THEM THEN ANYONE ON THIS EARTH. fuck fuck fuck him. damit. i hate his ways. yeah i'm done hating him...i hate his fucking fucked up ways. did i mention that it's super bowl sunday weekend and i guarantee you he has plans to get drunk. what kind of fucking shit it that for sick children. UGHUGHUGHJDFHGJKSRHGAHERGJKHA he is so unfit as a parent with this dam hate in him that he has for me.

which by the way, is a demon, and i cannot fight demons...this is God's fight, and believe me, he is fighting this shit for me.

this time he didn't bring them...i am no where near as upset as past times.....every freakin time he tries to punish me it always works out for the best for me. he has no freakin clue. you are clueless you fucking asshole. you make my life easier. do you know that? all the while, making your children hate you, you fucking stupid dumb fuck.

how can you not see that fuck wad. what goes around comes around. doesn't worry me.

whatever. i'm enjoying my beautiful saturday. thanks!

relieved...

*SIGH* so after 45 minutes last night of listening to him tell me what a horrible mother I am, how if I cared about them I would do what he says, how he is not going to share them with me anymore, how I need to take care of the things he says, call me every name he did when we were married (except my birth name), brought up every mistake I've made in the past 15 years, and said any degrading thing he could possible think. threatening to not bring the boys back to me...


FOR 45 MINUTES!

While I was at his mercy to listen to him because I wanted the boys back today.

The exchange went the same as always, I stand about 30 feet away from his car and they get out and run to me. No words exchanged between the two of us. That's the best. It's very sad. I wish we could be friends

TODAY me, the boys, grandma, and uncle chris, went to the Natural History Museum, California Science Center, and Spider Pavillion. quiznos and taco bell. Plus we had space strawberries and space ice cream!!!! LOL

lemmie tell ya bout spider pavillion. spider pavillion is the size of a one bedroom apt, all net tent with flowers, bushes and a lemon tree. these spiders, some of them 6-8 inches long, from end of leg to end of leg, all sorts of beautiful colors! lol how do you measure a spider??

anyways, you walk into the gigantic net tent amongst the spiders!! they are all around you. my 20 year old brother, walked in and walked out!! LMAO it was hilarious, till i called him a chicken, then he got back in there. lol he kept saying, this is freakin me out. 20 years old. my boys, 8 and 9, were happily running around the tent telling grandma, behind you!! lololololol i took some pics, gotta be edited, i'll post a few if they're good! so fun. spider pavilion!! Lol

So yeah, had an AWESOME DAY TODAY!!!

I knew that deep down last night he was just fucking with me. I wish I would of trusted my instincts, trusted God and not got so upset. But, he didn't see me cry. This is just another lesson to remember for the next time. I got a little bit stronger today.

Oh yeah, I also woke up at 4am and couldn't sleep! I've been up since 4am. I prolly won't make it to desperate housewives. Lol
--> --> --> --> --> -->
Oh, also, I watched don juan demarco, the worlds greatest lover, again this morning. Lol

Lmao.

THANK GOD!

that’s what i thought....lol

So after the event of the previous blog, plus some actual yelling (no kicking or throwing anything this time, lol, I'm getting better lol), I looked around my small but happy apartment, every single square inch of this place is evidence of those two boys.



Framed artwork, school projects, who knows how many print pictures, framed and albumed and loose, toys, 5000 digital pictures, it hardly seems an adult resides here at all. Last night I spent 3 hours scanning their amazing artwork into the computer. Stay tuned for some wonderful child artwork home movies!



I think, 'this shit doesn't really matter right now. Those boys know who supports them. They know I support them no matter what. They know I love them, NO MATTER WHAT! I had just finished reminding each of them before his crap earlier.


Soon, This will all seem like a brief moment in time. The past four years, filled with the same bullshit, already seems like a brief moment in time.


Those boys want to be in my life. They definitely know the actions of their father. (reminder: September 18, 2007 – Tuesday blog) I know who is important here and they know it too. The TRUTH is the only thing that applies.

I go take a hot, candle lit, shower, my tears still running, my breath still gone, my body shivering from hurt and anger, my head still spinning.


Standing there, massaging my new favorite shampoo into my scalp, (seriously you should try sunsilk anit flat in the bright yellow bottle best freakin shampoo ever, only costs around four bucks lol) i think to myself, 'I still think he's going to bring them tomorrow after all his bullshitting hot air.'


I fully intend to be there, no matter what. That's how it is with your children. At least, that's how I feel.

'I hope that mother fucker enjoys his weekend full of cooking, cleaning and mediating arguments. Enjoy your control now, while it's a lot of work, cause I know, when the work is over, and they are all grown, they will want their mother. Yeah, enjoy the fucking work, asshole. It doesn't matter, I will still move forward.'

The phone rings. It says, 'the boys'. Time is: 9:28pm.


My instincts were correct. He fully intends to bring them after all that threatening bullshit. I mean, come on, after doing so for a year and a half, you're gonna quit cause you, 'don't have court orders?', I think.

I take a deep breath and answer.


'I'm going to bring the boys to Montclair
in the morning', he says.

'thank you, I really appr---', I try to say

BUT BUT', he saids, 'you have to get those court orders'

'I will file a bar complaint against that attorney too' I say.

'AND you are responsible to pay half of the medical costs.', he says.

'that's fine, send me the bills and I will pay half'


he tries to convince me that the hospital does not send bills. I tell him, if there is no bill, there is no payment due.'

'don't make me change my mind', he says.


I did not say this, i only thought it: Are you fucking me??? He's gonna fucking threaten me with changing his mind? FUCK THAT. NO WAY DICKHEAD. Guess what, you just lost your control. don't make him change his mind? whoa, let's back up, bitch, it's not YOUR choice. Watch this.


i spat out, 'Go ahead, change your mind, I'm looking forward to going to court next week. I wanna hear you tell the judge your not gonna follow orders that you have been following for a year and a half cause you don't have court orders on paper. I wanna hear you say that. I can't wait to go to court.'



He repeats that I need to pay half the medical bills.


Douglas, if there are no bills, there is no bill to be paid. You don't pay a bill without a receipt, neither do I. nobody in the world pays a bill without receipt or statement. Now, I will be in Montclair in the morning, no matter what, as far as these issues, you email me, we obviously cannot discuss these issues like adults. Put it in email. I will be in Montclair in the morning. Thank you, goodbye.'

I hung up. sucess is ours! once again!


Phhewww. That was kind rough. The goal is, though, to remain assertive no matter what. That means remain calm under any and all circumstances. Including when I am alone. I didn't do that, earlier, when this all started. I screamed. (sorry neighbors) but it's so fucking difficult. i did, however, remain calm in his face. which is the most important. he will never see me lose control again.


Why why why do I hafta go through this. Sometimes i think I did something wrong in my life to deserve this, but don't know what. no way. there's a real reason.

But I know that, going through this only makes me stronger. I also know the reason I'm going through this is to gain understanding to help others who have the same difficulties. I will not give up. Call it my stubbornness, I don't know, but my boys see my inner strength against this demon and they learn from it. They know they better never treat the mother of my grandchildren like this or I will spank their asses, no matter what.

So, listen up, Brittney (and all that apply), get your shit together, stand tall and go back there! Find your inner strength, be patient and don't give up.

Now, I gotta get up early to go get my boys. : ) NIGHT!

mmmmm, i am don juan demarco, the worlds greatest lover!

lol

peace. stay safe.

i can breathe now.

mother fucking piece of shit

October 13, 2007 - Saturday



So, Im gonna fucking kill him. After a mother fucking year and a half, he's trying to REFUSE to give me our kids.

FUCKOWIHGFASDKJGHPUIQER WRHYNFVUQIOW4YFTHWRYTH UDGSD;KJFHG

I'm so fucking pissed off right now and it's prolly the first time I wanted to be drunk in this entire three dfakolfsj[oigfmuaoitegnv 3oia

years.

His mother fucking higher than thou condescindnig tone I'm gonna shove right up his mother fucking ass.

Doesn't he know not to fuck with a mother.

Arg eanvahtsiyeq thpiuq5r aioew'j35VTYTRHKLCW AV5HY3TR28IO3M QEGWCQ0' 3ealkmrsz ;vb9[ 24oh53"RW

and for tomorrow, there is nothing I can er09ri4ujr2t973g5vuukfhgi;ultaesr'h8jogiyto6v7io9
do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so fucking pissed off I could eat concrete.

Excuse me while I get a new keyboard.

Oh I wanna hurt him.

God, please give me strength. I HATE HIM! WHY DOES HE ALWAYS HAFTA FUCK WITH ME? I'VE PUT UP WITH SO MUCH SHIT FROM THIS MOTHERFUCKER. I WISH HE'D DISAPPEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN'T EVEN BREATHE

listening to his dumb ass trying to reason why after a year and a half he feels he can just quit doing what the judge told him because he doesnt have mother fucking papers!!!!!!!!!!

can't wait to see him explain that one in court!

if he does not bring them tomorrow, i will be in court NEXT MOTHER FUCKING WEEK ASSHOLE PIECE OF FUCKING FUCK SHIT DICK HEAD DICK PRICK SON OF A MOTHER FUCKING BITCH, DOUGLAS PERRY DONOVAN, YOU FUCKING HEAR ME, I WILL EAT YOU FOR BREAKFAST WITH THE FUCKING VULTURES
FUKCING COCKSUCKER ALWAYS TAKIN IT UP THE ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

GOD HELP ME.

court next week would absolutly be perfect, actually. then i could get them for thier ENTIRE winter break. you watch you fucking asshole. look out. here i come. you can't wipe me out of our children's lives!

so cold. sick to my stomach. i gotta find out where the police station is for tomorrow morning. i hate him. i wish i didn't but how can i not? i dont know


k, got the police department number, papers in order.

i'm gonna go take a hot shower and try to relax, so cold.

then im gonna fall asleep to my 'new' old johnny depp movie (THANK YOU, LISETTE!) where he keeps saying in his so sexy spanish accent, 'i am don juan demarco, the worlds greatest lover' ohhhhhh that's all i have heard in the movie, everything else melts away, ahhhhh feeling warmer. lol phheww glad those horrible feelings up there are over. only took 30 minutes.

he's still a fucking dick. what did i do to deserve his bullshit?

update-he still hates me. good.

so, it's been a while, and like it's said, 'no news is good news' well, not all good, of course. situations with asshole remains the same bitter and abusive exchanges.

since, August 06, the boys have been coming over to MY house to spend weekends. we have had amazing times. we've been everywhere. my house is filled with their beautiful artwork. for mothers day, my then 7 year old wrote this poem that said, 'my mom takes me where i want to go'

that is awesome. we do go so so many places, as proved by my 6000 digital pictures.

it's obvious to me and those who know me that these children are my life. they are the reason i choose not to kill myself.

my biggest lesson, PATIENCE. it's been 4 1/2 years since i walked out on that abusive fuck head and i pray for peace. he hates me. he will only communicate with me if he has the opportunity to abuse me.

a few weeks ago, i had to discuss a meeting place with him and he knew he had the opportunity to abuse me. he went on and on for 45 minutes about what a shitty person/mother i was. how i didn't care bout these boys. how he wanted court orders in his hands, after a year of doing this exhange, or he was not bringing the boys tomorrow.

i was livid. what can i do? i don't have court papers, i can't make a lawyer do them, i had already filed a bar complaint against one attorney who didn't do them. i don't fucking know. but after following the court orders for a year, i told him, you want to go into court and tell the judge you're no longer doing what he told you to do because you don't have papers?

fine. i can't wait to hear that, fine, don't bring them, i will see you in court next week.

45 minutes later he called me back saying he was going to bring them BUT BUT....with his fucking conditions. yeah sure, i said. and he said, 'don't make me change my mind.'

DON'T MAKE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND? i repeated his sentence in my head. fuck that, i thought. hahaha i'm in control now, bastard.

'fine, don't bring them, i wanna hear you tell the judge you're not going to bring them after a year and a half of following the orders cause you don't have papers. you do what you wanna do, i'll do what i hafta do, i will be there in the morning, no matter what, thank you, good bye.'

he brought them.

i'm gonna start using this blog to talk about the sickening shit he tells our children from now on. here's one for starters: they are not allowed to refer to me as mommy in his house. they will get in trouble. they must use my full name and call his girlfriend mommy.

fucking bastard. poor kids. i told them to not defend me, i know the truth, they know the truth. just keep the peace with this asshole. it'll all work out, with PATIENCE.

LMAO....DUMBA$$

September 18, 2007 - Tuesday

So, my x, the father of my children, has wished to erase me from their lives for about, hmmm 5 years.......

He has done everything he can think of to try to do this, including changing his cell phone number 3 times.

This morning, the estupido, called my phone on accident, giving me his cell phone number after changing it just two weeks ago. LOL

Best part is, lol, this is the second time he's given me his number this way.

Here's what happened...I got a missed call from his area code, no voice mail. Hating all unidentified missed calls (I have 3's saved i have yet to find the owners), i goto reverse look up, it's not a landline. So, I hide my number and call the mysterious number. Having the phone on speaker phone, I hear the asshole say, 'hello' I just sit there. 'Hello' he says again, in that dam condescending tone.

I say his name.

'Yeah' he says.

I smile. 'I got a missed call from this number.'

'Yeah', he says.

'Did u need to speak to me?'

'No, it was an accident'

'Oh, is this your new cell phone number?'

'Yeah', he replies.

(Notice the lack of vocabulary LOL)

'Ok, great, thank you, have a great day, bye', I say as I hang up.

LOL

So, was he thinking about me when he meant to call someone else?...maybe she pisses him off 'just like me'

Perhaps he is dumb enough to prank call me without hiding is number?

WTF
LMAO....DUMBA$$

events of mediation......SMOKED, DICKHEAD!

So, mediation was very interesting. I really made all his lies into nothings. He attacked me and I pulled out a piece of paper to support me, over and over.


When we walked into the room, I had already decided with my therapist that I was going to sit on the outside chair. The last two times, in mediation, I walked in first cause I’m the lady, and I’m dressed like a lawyer, and out of courtesy just continued to the furthest seat, against the wall, with Douglas on my right, the mediator in front of me, a wall behind me, I felt very trapped. So today, I walked in first and took the first seat, the seat that for some reason made me most comfortable. Douglas stood there like I was just setting my stuff there but I would move on down, but I didn’t. I had to motion him to the seat against the wall.


After the mediator opened the floor with, 'so, what do you want?' Douglas' first issue was that on Mondays, the boys don't listen to him. They say, 'mommy lets us'. The mediator said, 'that's called playing the parents against each other.' Douglas stated, "yeah, exactly." I smiled. I got this. This one's mine, this whole meeting, I will rule. I had serious issues regarding those children’s' well being that I wanted addressed. I try and try to talk to him, but nothing but hate.


My first point was to stop using the boys as messengers. I gave the example that the boys have already cancelled August 5 with me. You know where they are going, I asked the mediator, not waiting for an answer, 'pharaohs lost kingdom', I said. Douglas claimed he 'had no idea what the boys were talking about, they must have overheard me and Brenda, it's a company picnic.' I said, because you do not support my relationship with the boys, I know that if they do not go, it will become something that I did wrong. I am willing to let the boys go on that day, but you need to ask me, do not use them to send messages to me, you can call me anytime, except for 7pm when you are supposed to make the boys available to me, and except for in the mall when we are exchanging them.' I turned to the mediator and I said, 'this happened throughout our entire relationship, all the fighting was in front of the boys, that is exactly why I left, they did not deserve to live in that.' Why were the boys were not available to me last night, why was the phone busy till 10 o’clock at night? 'You never called, it's not my fault when you don't call' 'exhibit f', I say, pointing to the big book of proof I made, 'it's all in the phone records.' I say to the mediator, 'he is supposed to have them return my calls and he never does.' 'That’s a lie' he says.
I presented my 50 page declaration of proof to him, and he said, 'I haven't received that'. Here is an extra copy for you, I say, sliding it over towards him. And you will see on the proof of service to you, it was placed in the mail yesterday. he said again 'I haven't received this, this isn't filed with the court' it was mailed to you yesterday, and I am here in Victorville today, it has to be mailed to you first then filed, it will be filed today. He said let's talk about the health and safety of the boys. That’s all we are here for, I said. I repeated that line at least 5 times.


He started to complain about me not paying him gas. I pulled out my document that stated Douglas refused to give me a gas receipt so I made best estimates and gave him a money order. Even after I gave him the money order he stated I had not given him gas money. It’s right there in front of you. Resolved. The mediator said, I’m not here to discuss those kinds of issues'


He said I let them ride a full size adult bike and Matthew had an accident, bumped his knee it swelled and he had to take him to the emergency room. I got very dramatic lol, 'where's the report, you took my son to the emergency room and did not even inform me?' He looked at the mediator and said, 'they mail the bill', he said. You don’t deny letting him ride that bike, why did you let him ride that bike? 'Because he can, I replied.' I said they always give you after care instructions, where are the aftercare instructions, why was I not notified of the aftercare instructions; you took my son to the emergency room and did not notify me of the aftercare instructions?


I made him tell me that he would not allow my father to spend time with them even though he was only going to be here for a week from WV and would not be able to come back until after thanksgiving. I asked him, 'my dad is going to be here can he spend the 6th, 7th and 8th with them, he can drop them off, pick them up, whatever you desire.' He said, 'no'. I smile. He said my dad cursed at him on the phone, he doesn't support him. I said, “I can't believe you’re saying that about my dad, you know he supported you.' 'No'


At one point he said, 'this isn't a game.' I said you’re absolutely right, this isn't a game, look at the games he plays, exhibit f, look what he sent me; I pulled out the mail harassment Douglas sent me. It’s a trick, it's an online search for someone’s driving record, but instead it brings up a license with a picture of a monkey in the state of chaos, and the copy of the envelope. I pointed to the envelope, 'I was with this man for 11 years, and this is his handwriting.' The mediator just looked at it, and then wrote something down. 'I have never seen that before in my life!’ Douglas exclaimed, like a thief caught red handed.


Douglas' second issue was me not having my driver’s license. He lied, 'she promised she would have her license by the time we got back here today and there are a lot of strange people and homeless people on there.' I just became eligible for my license a week ago; I could of not of promised I would have my license because I was unsure. This brings me to exhibit e, look at all the places I have asked him if I could take them. All the places we can get to on the train or bus. All for $3 a day. Everyone knows driving is expensive, and statistically it is more dangerous to be in a car on the road. the mediator was looking through the exhibit, and I showed him one in particular, look at this one, this is la film festival family day, all free, in Westwood, 4 miles from my house, I asked him if I could take them here, I offered to fax or email this to him, and he refused. ‘and you are forgetting the fact that they have family who love and miss them that you have cut off from them, they all drive, they all want to go do these fun things with them too, LA is amazing, it’s an amazing place to explore and do things in.’


Then, Douglas wanted to lie about me cancelling dates, I simply stated, 'exhibit a, will show you all the days and times and reasons he has cancelled on me on 2 hours notice.' 'That’s a lie', he says. 'He called me one day and told me he wasn't bringing them because I owe him child support. Guess where they were, in Arizona with his parents he said I denied them to see. The truth is, he never even asked me'


Douglas said the boys are in therapy, they call him the talking doctor. I said, 'thank you for putting them in therapy; I have been really concerned about that. Douglas said he told the boys, he doesn't want to know anything they say to the talking doctor. It’s just the two of them. I would like to see a report, I say. Therapy is not for court, it's for them, he says. I agree, I say, which brings me to my next point, exhibit I, is a letter from my therapist stating that she can and will have a session with me and the boys. I hand it to the mediator; he reads it and writes more stuff down.


At the end the mediator asked me, 'so you want joint physical and legal custody' which I had not even really mentioned legal. But because we are here for the health and safety of the boys, 'yes, so if a bum pushes them off the train, if can take them to the hospital.'


At the very end, all three of us were standing up ready to walk out the door; nothing can be mediated if you can't agree. I’m sure the mediators hand was tired, he wrote 3 or 4 legal pages. But Douglas had to get the last word in and said, 'you always cancel on them.' I turned around and said, 'I was hit by a car this weekend, I was there for them on Sunday.' Douglas and the mediator looked at each other, and I walked out.

yeah, still hanging in there

hello, yeah it's been a while..got a job..busy. the boys and i see each other every sunday!! it's awesome...we are connecting in ways we never have before. we do things together we never bothered to do anymore...like sit down and just kiss each other...

i thought before that my x would be my 'biggest trigger'. he's not anymore. last night i got yelled at for buying and giving them the RDA of vitamins, but he doesn't bother me..i couldn't care less about his anger. i no longer ask him why he didn't do this, why he did...i don't care. i see what is important.

i still pray everyday for my anger to be removed and slowly but surely it is.

the days are great and i found something i am so excited about..a project for my boys' future!